June 18, 2012
New York Times (Microsoft debuts a tablet that will supposedly rival the iPad known as Surface.)
The last time Microsoft did anything that rivaled Apple was Windows 1995. The one that had that annoying ass paper clip try to tell you how to do shit in Word. That guy was useless. And a condescending asshole.
“Hi. It appears as if you’re trying to write a letter. Would you like some help?”
“No, I’m good. Thank you, paper clip.”
“You really look like you need help with that letter.”
“I think I got it.”
“Let me help you. I can make it better.”
“I got it.”
“You’re doing it wrong, you dumb shit! Let me write your letter!”
Beat.
“I’m sorry. Can I assist you with this letter you’re writing?”
Washington Post (Rodney King without foul play. An autopsy was completed but results not returned yet.)
The man who asked, “Can’t we all just get along?” died of heartbreak today. He learned that there was not, actually, peace in the Middle East.
New York Times (Roger Clemens was found innocent of lying under oath about steroids.)
After hearing himself exonerated of all charges, Clemens immediately fired a 99 mph fastball through the window in celebration, exclaiming “WHAT DRUGS?!”
New York Daily News (Jack Osbourne was diagnosed with a treatable case of Multiple Sclerosis.)
His father, on the other hand, was deemed as a “freak of nature” by doctors who were amazed that the man could still string together enough thoughts to form at least one sentence per day.
